The Loud House: The Chaotic Search for Gerald
by UltraComedyShow
Summary: Gerald has been kidnapped by his archenemy Rezan. Now, the Loud siblings and Daniel, Gerald's best friend, must save him. Will they save him? Who does fucking know?
1. Gerald Gets Kidnapped

***moans and screams come from Lori's room***

 **Bobby:** Man, what a relief Gerald gave me a permission to have a little fun with you.

 **Lori:** He'd always do. You are his chauffeur after all, so why wouldn't he give you allowance to come and see me?

 ***Gerald comes upstairs and close to Lily's room***

 **Gerald:** Lori, could you do me a sweet ole favour and kick my chef's ass for once? He put a bloody rat in my dinner and I want you to show him how a real lady fights.

 ***Gerald opens the door on Bobby and Lori having sex***

 **Gerald:** Oh, bloody God.

 ***Bobby and Lori scream***

 ***awkward silence***

 **Gerald:** Yeah, I think it's the best for me to get bleach for my brain cuz I never thought in my life I'd see 17-year-olds having sex.

 ***Gerald hands Bobby and Lori lubricated condoms***

 **Gerald:** Just so you can enjoy it better and stay safe. If I hear about Lori having STDs, I'd kick your ass, Bobby. Also... I'll just get Lincoln to kick my chef's ass. He could show him something.

*meanwhile, in a secret office deep in Moscow, Russia*

 **Rezan:** Святой гребаный Христос! (Holy fucking christ!) What a pedophile.

 **Gangster 1:** Он просто ходил по ним, не зная. Кроме того, почему у вас был дрон в их комнате? Я думаю, что это тоже признак педофилии. Кроме того, как они не заметили дрон? Вы, должно быть, использовали волшебную пыль невидимости, но тогда ваша жизнь должна быть чертовски сказочной! (He just walked on them without knowing. Also, why did you have a drone in their room? I think that's a sign of pedophilia too. Also, how did they not notice the drone? You must've used magical invisibility dust but then your life must be a fucking fairytale.)

 **Rezan:** Заткнись, Иосиф! У тебя слишком много вопросов, черт возьми. Я не Альберт Эйнштейн. Я Резан Кадьяк, Павел Йолкин. (Shut up, Iosif! You have too many questions all the fucking time. I'm not Albert Einstein. I'm Rezan Kodiak Pavel Yolkin.)

 **Iosif:** Почему ты всегда такой, блядь, дядя Резан? Я понимаю, что работаю на вас, и мне платят около 6 919 626 рублей, но у меня всегда было так много вопросов, на которые нужно ответить. (Why are you always so fucking mean, uncle Rezan? I understand I work for you and I get paid about 6,919,626 rubles but I always got so many questions that need to be answered.)

 ***Rezan shoots Iosif***

 **Rezan:** Finally that motherfucker's dead. Should've killed him a long time ago. Anyways, Gerald, yeah, he doesn't expect what's coming onto his plans. Скажи пока, Джеральд. (Say bye-bye, Gerald.) You're going to die.

*the next day, in Brooklyn, NY*

 ***Gerald, Daniel and the Loud kids are chilling in the backyard while the chef is BBQing hot dogs for everyone***

 **Gerald:** Make sure they are real nice and juicy or I'll get Daniel to kick your ass. And trust me, he is buff like The Rock _._

 **Chef:** Hah! I highly doubt that. But yeah, sure, I'll BBQ them nice and juicy.

 **Luan:** Hey, dad! I bet you won't jump in the pool.

 **Gerald:** Bet declined to Satan. I'll jump and make a Tsar Bomba. But glad you didn't bet my ex-wife cuz she's a hippopotamus. Fat as fuck. Not only that. She also once caused an earthquake when we were having sex once. And I wish I couldn't even call it sex. It was more like a bouncing ball on my dangling cock. My cock was a leaking balloon for two weeks after that. She was mad in bed. Not the good ty..

 **Daniel:** Okay, bro. We can hear all insults from you about your ex-wife but don't sex talk unless the younger ones ain't here. Think about the children.

 **Gerald:** Oh, shit, nigga's right. Anyway, bet declined to Satan cuz I'mma jump this bitch up... that sounded so wrong, and I take it back. Here we go.

 ***Gerald makes a run for it, but slips and splashes into the pool with a high gush, and the pool water goes onto the grill***

 **Gerald:** Okay, maybe I'm the hippopotamus here.

 **Chef:** You ruined the hot dogs. I quit!

 ***Daniel grabs a gun and points it at the chef***

 **Daniel:** You ain't quitting shit.

 **Gerald:** Ah, fuck it. Just let him quit. He's an ass at cooking.

 ***the chef throws his hat on the ground and runs off***

 **Daniel:** Can I shoot him?

 **Gerald:** Only if he comes back with some kind of a stupid revenge.

*meanwhile, in the bushes*

 ***random guys speaking Russian***

 **Nikolai:** Почему Резан подписал нас на это? (Why did Rezan sign us up to do this?)

 **Ivan:** Закрой свой рот, Николай! Вы раскроете нас. Если хочешь остаться, будь чертовски тихим. (Shut your mouth, Nikolai! You'll reveal us. If you wanna stay, be fucking quiet.)

 **Vladimir:** Эй смотри. Они фотографируют семью. У вас есть план ... так что будьте готовы. (Hey, look. They're taking a family picture. Y'all got the plan.. so get ready.)

*meanwhile, in the backyard*

 **Daniel:** Alright, y'all ready for a family picture?

 **Everyone:** Yes!

 **Daniel:** Alright, I'm taking it in three, two, o..

 ***Nikolai throws a million dollar stack***

 ***everyone looks at the million dollar stack***

 **Gerald:** This isn't about to be good.

 ***the Loud siblings and Daniel start fighting over the million dollar stack***

 **Gerald *to the audience*:** What did I say?

 ***Ivan knocks out Gerald with a baseball bat and drags him into the back of the van***

 ***Vladimir leaves a note where Gerald was standing***

 **Vladimir:** Отличная работа, Ник и Иван. Теперь давайте уйдем отсюда, прежде чем они заметят нас. (Great job, Nik and Ivan. Now let's get out of here before they notice us.)

 ***Vladimir, Nikolai and Ivan hop into the van***

 ***Vladimir drives away as fast as he can***

*meanwhile*

 **Luna:** I got it! I go... damn it. It's not money. It's just fake money from a Monopoly. We got scammed hard.

 ***Lynn looks around***

 **Lynn:** Where is dad?

 ***Daniel looks at the spot where Gerald was standing and sees the note***

 **Daniel:** There's a clue.

 **Lisa:** Let me read it.

 ***Lisa reads the note out loud***

 **Lisa:** It says; "Hi, I'm Rezan K.P. Yolkin. You probably don't know me but I've been your stepdad's archenemy for 9 years. I'm here to get my revenge on him. I kidnapped him. If you love him that much and want him back, you've got to get 3 things for me. A sapphire from India, Iceland spar, and an emerald from Egypt. Then you must find our dungeon located in downtown Moscow. If you manage to find these things, you get your father back. Worst regards, Rezan.".

 ***Lisa looks at everyone***

 ***everyone goes in shock***

 **Lisa:** Well, looks like we got a quest on our hands.

 **Lori:** Are you crazy? It's impossible to get this all done.

 **Lincoln:** No, Lori. It's not impossible if we believe in ourselves.

 **Lance:** Lincoln's right. If we got to save our father, we got to do it. Even though he has only had us for 4 months. Well, he had me for 4 years but we'll save him.

 **Luan:** We got to have an adult with us though.

 ***everyone looks at Daniel***

 **Daniel:** Come on, isn't it obvious enough?

 **THE END**


	2. From Brooklyn to Himichal Pradesh

**Daniel:** This is not going to be fun. I mean, I have already 2 kids and they are more than enough. One 10 year old boy and one 4 year old girl. But now 11 kids?

 **Lori:** Don't worry, Daniel, I'll help you out. I've had control of my siblings before.

 **Daniel:** Why, thank you, Lori. But I have to be mean and put some strict rules here. We can't fuck around a lot. I mean, he said it's gonna be a trip, but we can't have too much fun. We might get distracted. So let's get packing. I'll tell my pilot to come to the airport.

 ***Lori turns to her other siblings***

 **Lori:** You heard him. Get packing.

 ***Bobby comes running***

 **Bobby:** Lori. Wait! Are you sure you're gonna make it out alive? I mean, I've heard a lot about Rezan. He's a former serial killer who killed thousands of people before getting thrown into jail for life. But he managed to escape somehow.

 **Lori:** Bobby, don't worry. I'll be fine. One versus all of us, can't fight against that.

 **Bobby:** Well, that makes sense.. I will prepare for you and your siblings' memorial in case I get news that y'all died.

 **Lori:** Aw, thanks...

 **Daniel:** Wait a minute! What about me and Gerald?

 **Bobby:** Well, you know, I never really cared about you or Gerald, cuz I just work for Gerald. So I don't really give a damn if you two died.

 ***Daniel chokes Bobby***

 **Daniel:** Listen, you little fucker! He paid you about 20 dollars per week, and I... well, I didn't do anything for you... but still! You've got to have a memorial for me and Gerald! If you don't... I'll cut your thro-

 **Lori:** DANIEL! WHAT THE HELL? CONTROL YOURSELF!

 **Daniel:** Sorry, Lori, I have anger problems. Every time I try to go to therapy or meditation class or anger management classes, it doesn't work! But Bobby better have a memorial for me and Gerald or else he'd be dead.

 **Bobby:** Okay, fine, chill, bro. I'll have a memorial for you and Gerald.

 **Daniel:** You better do.

 ***Daniel turns to the Loud siblings***

 **Daniel:** Alright, this is gonna be a long trip. Pack what you need!

*meanwhile, in a dark dungeon in the sewers of Moscow*

 ***Gerald wakes up***

 **Rezan:** Welcome to Moscow, "friend".

 **Gerald:** Rezan? What the hell are you doing here? I thought I killed you.

 **Rezan:** You? Killed me? No, that was a mannequin. I installed an audio tape back into its head so it would seem like the words were coming out my mouth. Now, I'm here to take my revenge on you.

 **Gerald:** Are you going to kill me?

 **Rezan:** No, I'm keeping you. See, your family was sent on a quest to find 3 gems for my international gem collection.

 **Gerald:** Then why couldn't you get them yourselves?

 **Rezan:** Well, those three countries that have the gems I need are quite problematic. One country has a collection of venomous snakes, to attack criminals, of course, one country is in contact with the US, so I can't be there, and one country is super hot, in addition having tarantulas.

 **Gerald:** Well, it was nice to meet you, I best be on my way.

 ***Gerald tries to stand up and realises he's tied to the chair***

 ***Gerald looks at Rezan***

 **Gerald:** You hypocrite asshole.

 **Rezan:** Wow, and I thought my little brother was stupid. Anyway, it's lunch time in Mother Russia and I thought you might want some RFC.

 **Gerald:** Um, Rezan, it's KF-

 **Rezan:** Shhh, wanna get copyright claimed?

 **Gerald:** I'll have a chicken bucket.

 **Rezan:** Looks like we have the same thing on our mind. I'll be back.

 ***Rezan goes out the sewers and closes the lid***

 **Gerald:** Please, don't fuck this up, Daniel.

*9 hours later, in Himachal Pradesh, India*

 **Daniel:** Alright, kids, we're here. Himachal Pradesh, India.

 **Leni:** Why couldn't we go to Mumbai?

 **Daniel:** Mumbai is a capital city. There's no way we could find a sapphire there. Unless we find a jewellery store, and Rezan wants an actual sapphire, not jewellery. Also, I know someone who lives in Himachal, and he is a miner. So I can go in contact with him.

 ***20 minutes later***

 ***Daniel and the Loud siblings walk to the front of the airport and see a 34-year-old Indian man***

 **Daniel:** Ayy, DK. What's up, buddy?

 **DK:** Very good, Dan. Welcome to Himachal. I see you have children with you. Must've gotten a little wild in bed, didn't you?

 **Daniel:** Whoa! I don't own them, my friend does. He was kidnapped and we need to get the kidnapper some stuff.

 **DK:** Oh, okay. Introduce me to the children.

 ***Daniel turns to the Loud siblings***

 **Daniel:** Kids, this is Dev Kumar Gandhi. DK, this is Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn Jr., Lance, Lincoln, Lucy, Lana, Lola & Lisa.

 **DK:** Welcome, children, to India. Call me DK.

 **Loud siblings:** Hi, DK.

 **DK:** Oh, it's getting late. I think we should go to my local restaurant and have some Tikka Masala. With spicy curry. But not too spicy cuz last time the toilets exploded. We don't have good piping. The best of us are doctors.

 **Lincoln:** I haven't eaten something spicy in a while so that sounds good.

 **DK:** Great, Lincoln. Let's go.

*after dinner*

 ***everyone except Lincoln, Daniel, Lance & DK rush to the bathroom***

 **DK:** It's spicy, but we Indians like our spices. We shit the first two times, but then we get used to it.

 ***waitress comes with the check and DK pays***

 **DK:** भोजन के लिए आपका धन्यवाद।

 **Waitress:** धन्यवाद पुनः पधारें।

 **DK:** Let's wait for the siblings, they must be done soon.

 **Daniel:** DK, can I tell you why we are here?

 **DK:** To enjoy nice dinner and go fuck yourselves. Just kidding, you're here to get minerals.

 **Daniel:** Yes, we need a sapphire, then we're going.

 **DK:** Okay. It's gonna be very hard. Sapphires are very rare. So it's best you bring the kids with you. They might be some help.

 **Daniel:** Eh, I don't know. Again, they are in total 12.

 **DK:** Listen, Dan. When I was in high school, I shagged my first woman. We were both 14, and we had our first child, but put it up for adoption so we could finish school. I own a lot of children, like 26, cuz I'm basically the Indian version of Casanova. So bring your children.

 **Daniel:** Fine.

*the next day, at DK's house*

 ***DK wakes up Daniel***

 **DK:** Good morning, Dan. How was your sleep?

 **Daniel:** It would've been fantastic if I would've slept on the sofa instead cuz your bed isn't comfortable at all.

 **DK:** Get your kids up, we're going now to the mines.

 ***Lincoln wakes up***

 **Lincoln:** This early?

 **DK:** Unfortunately, yes. Get up, get up.

*2 hours later, in the mines*

 **Leni:** Ew, I'm lucky I don't have my fancy high heels on.

 **Lance:** Leni, if you would've worn high heels all the way up in the mountains, you would've been dead by now. Your legs would've been Jello.

 **Leni:** My legs would've been edible?

 ***Lance does a facepalm***

 **Lance:** No, it's a term, Leni. When your legs are Jello or some part of your body is, that means you can't use them.

 **Lincoln:** Lance, don't try to explain, she will get even more confused.

 **DK:** Here we are, here are most sapphires found.

 ***snake noises***

 **Lori:** What was that?

 ***cobras come around the corners***

 **DK:** Cobras! Run!

 ***everyone runs and then cobras get in their way***

 **Lincoln:** We're trapped. We'll never get the sapphire.

 **THE END**


End file.
